THE BEST LAID PLANS.....
A NOT SO FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME
It has been over two years since I started to once again go all out to obtain a literary agent, editor if need be with the hope of being offered a contract to publish my memoir. The last update - 2/23/08 - four and a half months ago - ended with me saying:" Whereas getting a contact to publish my memoir has taken infintely more time than I would ever have imagined it would when I first began the truth is that all together I have a much better piece of work to present. I have finally reached a point where I feel it truly is the best I can do and am willing to do and can now devote much more of my energies to getting an agent I feel comfortable with."
AN UNEXPECTED TURN ON THE ROAD TO PUBLISHING
I should have taken my feelings of doubt about my agent/editor more seriously. If I had I would not have let her talk me into being my editor as well as my agent. It would have been a red flag that she often gave me double messages, would not follow through on committments, made numerous typos in her communications to me. When I felt competely undermined and betrayed I fired her. Whereas I am certain I did the right thing I was chagrined that I did it again. I unwittingly got myself stuck with an untrustrworthy authority figure repeating the core issue in my memoir - ONE MAN'S ODYSSEY: The Turbulent Beginnings of Rehabilitating Drug Addicts in the Sixties - Getting stuck was understandable - staying longer than I should have is not.
MIXED REACTIONS
An initial week of relief coupled with renewed determination to find another agent was quickly dissipated turning into a prolonged period of profound lassitude. I felt I was drowning in psychological quicksand. Although I knew and know what steps have to be taken to find a resonant agent and am quite capable of doing so all attempts to beginning this process failed. In place of positive motivation I slipped into quintessential innertness, devitalized - out of gas. If I had a patient who complained of the above I would intstantly diagnose their sad state as one of obvious depression. But I experienced my set back not as a rational psychoanalyst but as a betrayed victim.
AN UNEXPECTED SURGE OF A DESIRE TO CONSTRUCT A WOODEN SHIP MODEL
After two weeks of moping around I felt an unexpected desire to build a wooden ship model. I plunged into this task. I researched the internet to find the just right model for me to construct. An important requirement for selection was that it had to be on the next level of difficulty from that level which I tended to repeat. There are 4 levels of difficulty in building wooden ships ranging from level one to level four. My last model of The Bounty was skill level 2. I felt compelled to advance to level three. I picked The Virginia - an elegant 18th century ship - with tall masts and billowing sails.
I PLUNGE MYSELF INTO CONSTRUCTING THE SHIP MODEL
Although I could not summon any energy to begin the search for a new agent, I was on fire when it came to working on my model. I spent every free moment I had on mastering each intricate task from building the hull utilizing a complcated process called double planking, adding features like a cabin from scratch, carefully filling in the complex rigging and the likes. I was determined to pay fine attention to detail with the overall aim of going beyond myself to make this particualr model as 'perfect' as I could. After three weeks I accomplished my goal. 
GETTING BACK ON THE POTENTIAL PUBLISHING MY MEMOIR HORSE
As I effortlessly labored to construct my boat I thought carefully about my frustrated attempts to secure a book contract. At some point I had an insight. Whereas it was true that I had once again repeated a past problem by staying too long with this abusive agent, I had to take the major share of the 'blame' for overriding my instincts. I think it true that she took advantage of my weaknesses but I allowed her to do so. Why would I do this again? What was there of value to once again frustrate myself. The psychoanalyst part of me answered: isn't this symptomatic of behavior that goes along with a fear of success? Yes, of course. But I thought I had resolved that in my lengthy psychoanalysis. Apparently this is a remnant. But now that I admitted it I understood that it is my choice to either give up my dream of being a published author, or continue pressing on - doing what I know I have to do to achieve my goal.
YEATS' INSIGHT IS USEFUL
In his autobiogaphy Yates says that it took him many years to get in touch with his essential feelings. And many more years to acknowledge that these feelins were really real for him. I instantly resonated with his assertions. I have been going through the motions of being a serious author but not really identified with it as really real. So if I am going to go further with this seemingly never ending process I must exercize my will and dedicate it to a never ending pressing on to attain my goal.
FULL SPEED AHEAD
With a combination of playing and insight I found myself once again empowered to renew my attempts to get a resonant agent. I found a list of two hundred literary agents - culled twenty that seemd to speak my language - printed out their submission requirements. This whole undertaking took about 6 hours. Amazing how much can be done in a relatively small amount of time once the resistances are cleared up, the goal is clear, and there is a green light to focus one's energies on it like a directed lazer beam.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS
Many agents indicate that reading one or more books on How to Write an Effective Non Fiction Book Proposal would be very hlepful in maximizing the probabilities of at least getting the positive attention of a potential literary agent.
My first impression was to downplay the suggestion. But with an open mind I read four of them that were rated by Amazon as the creme of the crop. The first one, Thinking Like Your Editor: How to Write Great Serious Nonfiction - and Get It Published by Susan Rabiner and Alfred Fortunato is a gold mine of wise guidance that I am certain will be most useful.
Conclusion:
There is no way to know if I will ultimately be successful or not. But I do know for certain that I must press on no matter what if I am to reach glory. But I also know that taking myself seriously empowers me to not only expect and to tolerate inevitable obstacles and resistances along my publishing pathway but that if I face them directly and press on the probability of eventual success is dramatically increased.
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