I the TURTLE
So it was really a delight to have received an official contract by a reputable publisher to publish my first book: DEMYSTIFYING MEANINGFUL COINCIDENCES: (SYNCHRONICITIES) - The Evolving Self, The Personal Unconscious, and The Creative Process.
That is until I came face to face with what I had to do to finish it. I
made a smart move years back in not backing down from completing my
dissertation. I was on the verge of it many times but persisted. That
is the number one reason why I have been able to finish the
requirements to publish my book. None of the requirements such as
endless editing, revising, cutting, adding, are all that difficult.
What has been difficult for me is to face up to an intensity of fears
ranging from fear of failure to fear of success. You know the very
fears that we work with everyday [as a psychoanalyst]. ... only they
are with myself, and in my case have intensified.
When I got in
my final revisions last month I initially breathed a sigh of relief
which lasted only one day when - in Barnes and Noble - I had a panic
attack realizing that by the end of December I would quite likely have
my book for sale probably on one of the tables of new books... It was
then that I cringed suffering from exposure anxiety anticipating an
attack of horrendous shame wondering: what if someone actually reads it
- what if I sound stupid ... you know all the usual obsessional non
sense - but when it's you - the nonsense seems quite real. So I got
through all that nonsense - but couldn't shake the feeling that I would
mess up or be 'caught' by some unforeseen issue - like a totally absurd
piece of logic central to my main argument - which precipitating an
unprecedented ripping up of my contract....
So I got over that
- until yesterday - when I was told that they needed me to choose my
cover with an image- if I so desire - plus, authorize the front and
back material... and to do so as quickly as possible, as they want to
try to make a December deadline... My small panic attack was fielded
with a minimum of effort...
Chalk up another trench taken in my internal war for to thrive ....
THE MORAL of the STORY:
In making a commitment to struggling with struggle one can become used to anything - like war and publishing a first book.
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