SOMETIMES HISTORY DOES NOT REPEAT ITSELF
It is difficult to know exactly what it is that motivates people to do what they do - including myself. For this reason I liked the concept of overdetermined - meaning that any behavior, when analyzed, has multiple determinants not just one.
So - when I returned to High School to see my favorite English teacher when I was about twenty five I hoped she would acclaim me as one of her favorite students. I longed for recognition and hoped that by obtaining it from a favorite teacher it would convince me that I deserved it.
The reunion was decidely a mixed bag. I walked in on her as she was teaching a class. As I hoped she would upon noticing me she smiled broadly, stopped lecturing to the class, eagerly waved for me to come inside. That was the good news. Then she asked me if I would like to teach the class.
I was stunned. In a split second two opposing ideas were at war as I simultaneously felt myself drowning in a sea of negative feelings - the chief one of which was panic anxiety resulting in show stopping confusion.
I had aspired so high and fell so humiliating low in an instant.
I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to go through the visit with the rest of me somewhat intact. But altogether the experience was humbling and humilating at best.
Twenty Years Later
My workshop proposal was accepted to talk about Demystifing Meaningful Coincidences (Synchronicities). Finally I was given a public forum to discuss the results of my decades long research of these perplexing events.
There was a large audience of over 100 people. I was filled with excitement. Among the various meanings that day was the opportunity of redoing history by feelings as if I was walking back into the traumatic class room above and scoring a triumph.
It did not dawn on me until about five minutes before I was to begin that I was unclear as to how to pace myself so I could do justice to all of the material I had and wanted to present. This was not something I should have reckoned with five minutes before my next "performance."
Indeed, I choked once again. Many of the participants paid me compliments but I knew that I had failed to meet my lofty standard once again.
Fifteen Year Later
A few months ago I received a request to be on an internet radio program called The Infinite Consciousness. My name had been given to Eva Herr - the shows moderator - who said she thought my 40 year researching of synchronicities would be of interest to the program's followers.
Here we go again I thought. Only this time I finally learned my lesson. The need for recognition is still a strong motivator but more motivating is the need to master the material. So this time I have prepared well in advance. I know the material cold or should I say hot?
I may not be as effective as I would like to be but it will not be because I choke.
So in this connection I would like to invite any interested Gaherers to listen in thsi evening. The details follow: